I have a confession to make.
Last night I burst into tears in the middle of a raid. I mean, full on, blurred screen, choked up, throw the headset across the room, crying.
And now I feel like a total "girl".
Before I say more, let me make a few salient points.
- I raid with an amazing group of guys.
- I'm sure if anyone knew I was as upset as I was last night, they'd have stopped everything to deal with it. No one did anything or intentionally caused me to cry.
- I'm the only female in this particular group.
- I'm a damn good raider.
Last night was progression night and we -flew- through Ulduar. I'd say, with confidence, that we are a really strong guild. There aren't many of us, but we all work hard and we play hard and I'd defy any end-game guild to say we don't kick ass as far as progression, raid skills and overall player dynamic.
But, somewhere in the middle of last night, I started to get frustrated. The faster we went, the tougher it got.Not because I can't keep up with the fights, but because I was so busy worrying about if feasts were down or healthstones were up or if I had my soulstone on my healer or if I was on the banish target or where I needed to stand to make sure my healer could reach me...
Have you started chuckling yet? Have you seen the humor in this yet?
I'm a Warlock.
I'm a soul sucking banshee with demons for minions. I can call fire and shoot shadowbolts of death across great distances...
...and I'm running around the raid like a total Mom in the middle of a holiday event.
Okay. You can stop laughing now. It's not that funny.
Well, maybe it is, but it left me upset and angry and by the time it was all over, I ended up venting by tells and gtalk and going to bed and getting up again and I was all sorts of bent out of shape.
They say the light of morning puts things into perspective and I'd say it's true. I woke up this morning more determined than upset. Realizing that I needed to figure a few things out and that, while being a girl who plays WoW is awesome, being a "girl" who plays Wow...well...not so much.
So, I spent part of the morning breaking it down.
I treated it like a boss fight.
I talked to a couple people about my issue. Got some feedback. Assessed my responsibility in the situation and took a good hard look at where I need to adjust or where I need to "stand" and what I could be doing differently.
And I'd say I came up with a good strat. ;-)
But I also know that I have to make some changes. Raiding means being flexible, but it also means trusting yourself and your team. It means being able to communicate and knowing when to keep your mouth shut.
It also means knowing when something isn't your job and isn't your problem and when you have to focus.
And, let's face it people -- it's really hard to focus through tears, y'know? ;-)
So, yeah. I think they're right.
There's no crying in WoW.
::half grin:: Of course, there's loads of death and destruction, but that's what I do darlin'.
And I need another soul shard...
p.s. I got asked. So...here's my profile on WoWArmory ;-)